In recent months, I've come to the conclusion that everything I've been doing is just total crap. I started a degree in college that I (use to love) absolutely hate now and I want nothing to do with it. I've had a few family members tell me that maybe I'm just scared or that I should just give it a go and maybe I'll realize that blah blah blah whatever. In the process of all that, I think I've been trying to convince myself that I really do want to do it when in the back of my mind, I could care less.
When I was 19 years old I made the choice of beginning a degree in Early Childhood Education. I will be 23 years old in 8 short days and now I want nothing to do with the field. I love children and I think I've manifested my strong want to be a mother some day and working with my little brother (he'll be five soon) into some sort of falsehood that has strewn me off path completely. What do I want to do, you ask?
Hell if I know.
I love so many things. I'm so passionate about art and books and creativity. I love makeup and clothes and shoes. I've developed a greater interest in historical sights and the way people use to live and be. I enjoy figuring out how things work. I want to redecorate my bedroom and clear out our spare room so bad it's driving me crazy because I know I can be creative and design things in that way. I still love children. I enjoy helping people and listening. I want to write and create stories. I've always dreamed of being an actress. Where does that lead me, though? I have so many interests and inspirations that it feels almost overwhelming. What do I do? How do I choose? What can I do to turn these things into something of a career? Do I even want a career? Can I not just do everything and be happy? Is that realistic?
I don't know.
I have so many things I want to do before I die. I have so much going on inside my brain at all times that I feel like I'm literally going to just explode any minute and I don't know what to do about it. Being an adult is hard. Making these decisions is hard. Up until this point in my life I've not felt responsible for my own choices or like I can fix anything I screw up because I've always had my mom and other family members telling me what to do or picking up any messes I make. I can't do that forever and it's scary.
So what do I do? I have my whole life to figure that out, but it doesn't seem like enough time. When I was a teenager or even younger (obviously before I knew real life wasn't a fairy tale) I had things mapped out. I would go to college and graduate by the time I was in my early twenties, get a job, possibly get married soon after, have 1.5 kids not long after that, and be successful and happy by the time I'm 30. Now, idealistically, I can still do that in seven years. It's possible. It's extremely possible, but I just don't know anymore. I feel like I don't know anything.
My personal life, on top of everything else, is at a stand still. I miss my best friend and I don't want her to be away anymore. I've become bitter toward the military (her husband is in the navy) for taking her away from me and I don't make friends easy. I've never made friends easy because I just don't trust people. Being in a relationship? Having a boyfriend? I could write an entire book of running jokes on my life surrounding that very topic. Why? I'm terrified of it. I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared of not being wanted. I'm scared of never finding anyone. I'm scared of screwing it up. I'm scared of that dreaded L word that gets thrown around when no one really means it. I'm scared to feel it myself because the last time I thought I did, I got dropped on my behind. Granted, he broke up with me for some girl he met in college who was always drunk, but regardless. It was my first serious anything and I got burned by it. This was five years ago and it still hurts.
Maybe all of this is normal. Maybe I'm just in some awkward funk in my life where I feel like I should know everything but it's the exact opposite. Maybe I'll get my act together soon and start to figure stuff out. Maybe I haven't been living in the real world. (I'll take my Damon Salvatore now please). I just know I have all of this stuff that I want to do before I run out of time to do it and I feel like all of my goals are just unreachable.
Attached is a link to my bucket list board on Pinterest. Browse around. Take a look. Delve into the scattered mind that is mine. While you're at it, leave a comment if you can relate or if you have any advice. Maybe we can help each other figure life out.
Far fetched? Maybe. But I like challenges.
View my bucket list Pinterest board here: http://www.pinterest.com/xxdisorderlyx3/bucket-list/
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